The Brutally Honest Truth About Being a New Parent and What You Can Do

sarahbarkleywrites
Oct 7, 2024
13 min read

Updated: Oct 27, 2024

Parenting is a rewarding experience, but it comes with many challenges. Some challenges you’ll expect, but others you may be unprepared for. We talked to tons of moms to understand the brutally honest truth about being a new parent, and many weighed in to help us develop a list of common parenting truths.

Sleep Deprivation

Many parents talk about a lack of sleep when they have a baby, but the full extent sometimes gets glossed over. There will likely be times when you feel you haven’t slept in days, and if you did, it wasn’t restful.

Newborns wake to eat often and also may wake for diaper changes. Sometimes, they may even wake up for seemingly no reason and won’t go back to sleep. Some babies find it hard to get to sleep, resulting in hours of rocking them and trying to place them in their crib without their crying starting up again.

Newborns typically only sleep 1-4 hours at once, meaning you may have to be awake with them multiple times at night. Sometimes it’ll feel like you just fell asleep when they’re awake again for their next feeding.

These instances can lead to exhaustion, which has potentially harmful impacts on you and your baby. Studies show that 90% of moms who gave birth vaginally report exhaustion when they’re postpartum, and some report that it continues into and past the third month.

Exhaustion leads to more than feeling tired all the time. Some of the implications include making you feel weak, dizzy, or weary, and it can interfere with your breastfeeding journey. It can make you feel like giving up on breastfeeding, contribute to a low milk supply, and increase your risk of mastitis, all while impacting your stress levels, relationships, and bonding with your new baby.

Dad and sleep expert Ben Trapskin explains, “My wife and I were used to getting 7-8 hours of sleep, but with a new baby needing to feed every few hours, we were lucky to get 4 hours of intermittent sleep. The fatigue impacted everything from our moods to our productivity at work. All new parents should prepare to be severely sleep deprived for at least the first 6 months.”

What You Can Do

You can’t force your baby to sleep more or let you get uninterrupted rest, but you can focus on resting whenever possible. Take short naps whenever you can, and don’t expend extra energy on things that aren’t essential, including some of your housework.

Avoiding going into the same room to check on your baby while they're asleep can also help you get more sleep because it prevents you from accidentally waking them. Instead, you can utilize reflective infant sleepwear by Sleep of Mind, which makes it possible to see if your baby is breathing by looking at a video baby monitor. You can see your baby’s chest rising and falling as they sleep in this sleepwear, helping you get more rest.

You can also ask your partner or trusted family and friends to help with your housework, cooking, and running errands. Or, they can hold your baby while you rest, shower, or do anything that makes you feel better.

Another option is to consider baby wearing, where you use a carrier, wrap, or sling. Research shows that learning your baby’s sleep cues can help you get your baby to sleep more. You’ll understand their sleep schedules better, allowing you to plan for it.

Consider your nutrition and hydration, as well, because if you’re lacking anything essential, it’ll contribute to your exhaustion. Remember that if you’re breastfeeding, you’ll need extra calories and nutrients.

Breastfeeding Can Be Painful

“I sat in the dimly lit nursery, cradling my newborn daughter against my chest. I had always imagined breastfeeding to be this natural, gentle bonding experience, but the reality was so different. Every time she tried to latch, the pain was unbearable—sharp, stinging, and relentless. I could feel the tears welling up, a mix of exhaustion, frustration, and guilt. After days of struggling, I finally reached out to a lactation consultant. Slowly, with her help, things started to get better. The pain began to ease, and little by little, we found our rhythm. It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours. In those quiet moments, I realized how strong we both were—me and my little girl, figuring it out together.” recalls Alison Macklin, about the first two weeks with her newborn.

The following sections about breastfeeding problems and what you can do to remedy them are Written by Elizabeth "Liz" Chang International Board Certified Lactation Consultant IBCLC, Certified Lactation Counselor CLC, Diabetes Metabolic Specialist, Medical Interpreter and Translator Bilingual Spanish, Founder and Owner Pretty Mama Breastfeeding LLC www.prettymb.org:

Navigating the Challenges of Breastfeeding: Expert Tips for New Moms

Breastfeeding is a deeply rewarding experience that fosters a special bond between you and your baby. However, it can also present challenges, especially in the early stages. Many new moms experience discomfort, including sore, cracked nipples, which can sometimes even lead to bleeding. These issues are common as you and your baby learn the correct latch and establish a feeding routine. Seeking help from an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) or a Certified Lactation Counselor (CLC) is essential to address these concerns and ensure a more comfortable breastfeeding experience.

Addressing Early Breastfeeding Issues

If issues like an improper latch or cracked nipples are not addressed promptly, they can escalate into more serious problems such as clogged milk ducts, mastitis, and other painful conditions. A clogged duct occurs when milk is not adequately drained from a particular area of the breast, leading to soreness and tenderness. Regular and effective breast drainage is crucial to prevent this issue.

Mastitis is a breast infection that requires immediate attention from a healthcare provider. Symptoms include fever, chills, body aches, nausea, vomiting, and fatigue. You may also notice a yellowish discharge from the nipple, and the affected breast might feel warm or hot to the touch and appear red or pink.

Another common issue is a fungal infection called thrush, which can affect both the mother’s nipples and the infant’s mouth. Thrush often leads to painful, sore nipples and can make breastfeeding difficult as the baby may refuse the breast. This condition requires coordinated care from your family physician, OB/GYN, and pediatrician, as both mother and baby will need treatment. During this time, you might experience additional symptoms such as pink, flaky, itchy, or shiny skin on the nipples, which may also be cracked or blistered.

What You Can Do

For most mothers, breastfeeding discomfort typically lasts a few weeks to a month. In some cases, it can persist longer. The good news is that once the initial pain subsides, breastfeeding usually becomes a much more enjoyable experience. The sooner you seek support from an IBCLC or CLC, the better your breastfeeding journey will be.

To alleviate discomfort from cracked nipples, you can try using a warm compress before feedings, but be sure to pat the area dry afterward. Other helpful methods include soaking your nipples in a saltwater solution, applying organic coconut oil or extra virgin olive oil, or using lanolin ointment. Changing nursing pads frequently can also help keep the area dry and reduce irritation. While these steps won’t completely eliminate the pain of early breastfeeding, they can prevent or minimize cracking and bleeding.

Using both hands can be very helpful while breastfeeding. One hand could support your baby’s neck, while the other supports your breast and helps maintain a good latch.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you and your baby are struggling with latch issues, it's crucial to consult an IBCLC or CLC. These professionals are highly trained experts in breastfeeding and can provide the clinical support you need to overcome challenges. Their expertise, often honed over years of training, can make a significant difference in your breastfeeding experience.

Managing Plugged Ducts

Plugged ducts are often the result of insufficient breast drainage, which can occur for various reasons, including skipped feedings, stress, or hormonal changes. Ensuring a deep latch, breastfeeding or pumping frequently, and massaging your breasts during feedings can help prevent this issue. As your baby grows and their feeding technique improves, these problems should gradually resolve.

If you do develop a clogged duct, it's important to continue breastfeeding from the affected breast. You can also use warm and cold compresses to alleviate discomfort and gently massage the area to help clear the blockage. For additional relief, try soaking your breast in warm water and massaging it. Remember to breastfeed or pump every three hours to keep things moving. If the clog doesn’t resolve, it could lead to mastitis, which requires antibiotics from your healthcare provider.

Breastfeeding benefits outweigh the many challenges. Human Milk continues being studied by countless scientists around the world because of the vast health benefits and stem cells. These stem cells are "embryonic, mesenchymal, and hematopoietic in nature" Human milk carries enormous unique health protections. By breastfeeding, women are protected/preventing a number of cancers, diabetes, and more. The same protection goes for children that are breastfed. The financial picture is better for the family as they save between 8K to 10K dollars in purchasing formula. The journey that comes with breastfeeding certainty has its ups and downs, but, with the right knowledge, professional support, and care, you can navigate the challenges and enjoy the many health protections, financial savings for now, and your future.

Body Changes

Gaining weight and getting stretch marks are anticipated body changes of having a baby, but there are other changes you may not be prepared for yet. Some of the changes include:

Hemorrhoids: Hemorrhoids are common after having a baby because of the pressure put on the area during pregnancy paired with the stress from delivery. They may clear up in weeks but sometimes take months to go away entirely.
Hormonal changes: Hormonal changes after having a new baby can lead to postpartum night sweats and hair loss or thinning. These changes are typically temporary, and you can expect to return to normal within three months. Changing hormones can also lead to mood swings and having a hard time coping with stressors.
Pelvic floor issues, including urinary incontinence: Leaking urine after childbirth is common due to the weakened muscles and tissues around your bladder and pelvis. It makes it hard to control your urine flow.
Sagging or shrinking breasts: Many new moms believe sagging or shrinking breasts only happen if you breastfeed, but they actually happen because of weight gain and breast fullness during and after pregnancy.

One new mom I spoke to recalls, “I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my reflection, barely recognizing the person looking back. My body had changed so much after having the baby, and I didn’t feel like myself anymore. The stretch marks, the soft belly, the extra weight—I couldn’t stop focusing on all the things I didn’t like. I used to feel confident, but now, every time I looked at myself, all I saw was someone who looked tired and worn out.

I knew I should be proud of what my body had done, bringing my beautiful baby into the world. But still, the self-doubt crept in. I’d catch myself comparing to how I used to look or scrolling through social media, seeing other moms who seemed to “bounce back” so easily. It was hard not to feel defeated, like I wasn’t measuring up.”

What You Can Do

Many of these issues will ease after a few months, but some changes are permanent. You can ease the signs of a hemorrhoid by soaking in warm water, using witch hazel on the affected area, and sitting on a pillow to relieve pressure. If these options don’t help, there are creams you can buy to provide relief, or you can visit a doctor.

While you can’t force balanced hormones, you can support the levels by getting as much sleep as possible and prioritizing your nutrition intake. When you need support, don’t hesitate to call trusted friends or family members. As you wait for balance, be patient and give yourself grace as you navigate this new journey.

You can do Kegels to strengthen the muscles for urinary incontinence and pelvic floor issues. Avoiding coffee, soft drinks, and alcohol can also make it easier to control your bladder and urine flow. You can also use postpartum pads to help absorb leaking urine.

Your breasts will change regardless of what you do (aging is a factor), but you can do things to minimize sagging. Wearing a supportive bra when your breasts are full is one way to maintain breast muscles and tissues, plus it’ll provide comfort. Strength training and yoga can also help lift your breasts as long as you focus on strengthening your back and pectoral muscles.

Constant Crying

Newborns cry when they’re ready to eat, need a diaper change, have gas, and for other reasons you may not be able to figure out right away. They may seem to cry constantly, or at least for hours at a time. Most babies cry for two or more hours daily, which doesn’t sound like a long time, but feels like it doesn’t end when you’re in the middle of it.

Babies go through a stage of PURPLE crying, which begins around 2 weeks old and last up until 5 months. The Period of PURPLE Crying is a program created by the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome. It stands for and involves the following:

Peak: The crying increases weekly, peaking around 2 months.
Unexpected: The crying can occur anytime, without reason.
Resists Soothing: You can try every method you know, and the baby still doesn’t stop crying.
Pain-like facial expression: Your baby might look like they’re in pain, but they’re not.
Long-lasting: The crying lasts for hours at a time.
Evening: The unexplained crying often happens in the evening.

If your baby cries for more than three hours straight, three or more days a week, and this pattern continues for three weeks or longer, they might have colic. They generally stop this pattern between three and six months old and don’t have long-term effects.

What You Can Do

Before you know it, you’ll be able to figure out what most of your baby’s cries mean. Learning to soothe your baby with proven soothing techniques can make a difference and help you find a remedy sooner. The crying typically eases after about three months, so being patient and reminding yourself that it’s only temporary can also help.

When you can’t figure out what your baby wants, you can try wearing them in a baby carrier, giving them a bath, singing or playing music, talking to them, giving a baby massage, or using a noise machine.

Don't hesitate to call a trusted loved one for help if you need a break from figuring out what your baby wants or needs. They can hold the baby or walk around with them for a while so you can have a little peace. You can also put your baby on their back in their crib and leave the room for about 10 minutes for a break.

Loss of Independence and Identity Crisis

Before having a baby, you can have uninterrupted free time to do whatever you want. You can also have fun with spontaneous plans when you don’t have a baby to plan around. These luxuries are often impossible once you become a parent because even simple errands and tasks become major ordeals.

Instead, you have to plan for feedings, naps, diaper changes, and unexpected tasks. It can lead to a diminished social life, a lack of engaging in hobbies, and potentially an identity crisis. You might also get stuck with unpleasant tasks like diaper explosions when you’re already feeling burnt out.

One mom, Sylvia Smith, who is also a Relationship and Mental Health Expert, explains, “One brutally honest truth about being a new parent is that it leaves the door wide open to an identity crisis. Before that happens, you just have such a clear-cut view as to who you are, from hobbies and interests down to your career goals. Once this little creature comes into your life, it is as though everything started veering in their direction, and just like that, your personal identity can feel lost or even very, very far away. This may be a deep personal struggle insofar as weighing personal satisfaction brought by parenthood against the feelings that you are no longer the person you used to be.”

What You Can Do

Most breastfed babies eat every 2-4 hours in the first few weeks up to six months, although some eat as often as every hour while others will go 4-5 hours without feeding. They typically eat 10-12 times (or more) in 24 hours, so you will feel an immense loss of independence with a newborn attached to you most of the time. How long they go between feedings often depends on the time of day, so it takes some time to figure out before you can feel more prepared for the feeding schedule.

After a few months, you’ll likely develop a better routine and know your baby’s typical schedule. While unexpected situations occur often in parenting, you’ll find some relief in being able to plan things around a somewhat predictable routine.

Your baby will get better at nursing during breastfeeding, knowing how to suck better and get more milk during each feeding. The improvements help shorten each session, and your baby will start going longer before getting hungry again.

Pumping enough milk to leave your baby with a family member or friend for an hour or two can give you time to feel independent again. While you likely can’t get away for long, taking a little time to yourself can help you remember who you are separately from being a parent.

Marital or Relationship Strain

Having a new baby changes relationships and often contributes to relationship strain. There’s less time for intimacy and date nights, leaving many couples feeling disconnected from one another.

Sometimes it’ll seem like you only speak to your partner when it’s about the baby. Plus, you may have different parenting styles or disagree on responsibilities.

Another major factor of relationship strain is stress from the changes of being a new parent. When you’re stressed, it impacts your relationship and can make you feel alone. Research shows that sleep deprivation can cause crankiness, frustration, and trouble determining one another's reactions.

What You Can Do

Connecting with your partner after having a baby is essential to alleviating relationship strain. Getting some rest can help by making you less cranky and frustrated, and the same goes for your partner if they’re sleep-deprived, too. Communicating about something other than what the baby needs can also help you reconnect and bond with your partner.

If possible, set aside a couple of hours for you and your partner to be alone together. Sometimes you can’t get away from your baby together, but you can prioritize an hour a day while the baby sleeps to be alone with your partner.

Recap: Let’s Be Open About The Brutally Honest Truth About Being a New Parent

The brutally honest truth about being a new parent isn’t talked about enough. Sleepless nights, overwhelming emotions, physical recovery, and moments of self-doubt are often glossed over, leaving new parents feeling isolated in their struggles. But hiding these realities doesn’t make them disappear—it only deepens the pressure to pretend everything’s perfect. It’s time we stop being afraid to share the messy, painful details. Speaking openly is how we heal, support one another, and create a more honest, compassionate conversation about the challenges of parenthood.

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